my yesterday

made of wounds, laughter, raging hope, and quiet miracles.
i was born in belgrano, buenos aires—
three in the morning, emergency birth.
my mother was alone.
the biggest snowstorm in the history of san martín de los andes had just hit.
no cars, no planes, no way for my father to get to her.
and she almost died bringing me here.
that is how i arrived.
through pain. through isolation.
and through a woman who gave everything to make sure i lived.
they say i was the perfect baby.
i did not cry.
i only smiled.
but if you ask me what my first real memory is,
it is not joy.
it is not light.
it is rage.
it is fear.
those were the first visitors.
and i had no words for them back then.
just a body full of screams with no names.
before i say more—
let me be clear.
i had everything.
food. love. safety. family.
i was one of the lucky ones.
and still—
something had to break.
because that is the only way we remember.
i have met people with billions who were starving inside.
i have met people with nothing who glowed like the sun.
so no, pain does not care about your résumé.
wounds come for everyone.
and when they do—
they are not a punishment.
they are a doorway.
mine came early.
at five years old
i was diagnosed with a rare type of juvenile arthritis.
an autoimmune illness.
my knees, feet, fingers and body—
would swell until i could not even walk.
And maybe, now my first true memory comes to life:
my mother carrying me onto a plane, crying,
trying to save me.
every few weeks we would fly across the country.
doctors. needles. blood tests.
more needles.
so many needles.
and my mother holding my hand through every one.
she never stopped looking for healing.
from hospitals to reiki.
from acupuncture to priests.
from western medicine to whispers in the dark.
she searched everywhere.
and i was angry.
because i was a child.
and children think they are the victims.
but now i know.
her pain was deeper than mine.
and still—
i would have never said this before—
arthritis was the best thing that ever happened to me.
it took away my body.
but it gave me something else.
it forced me inside.
and inside ended up being where i met the first sparks of my soul.
i lived in a town where sports were everything.
and i could not play.
so i turned inward.
i started playing computer games for hours.
and without knowing it—
i was learning how to search.
how to solve.
how to build worlds.
and while all that grew,
so did my insecurity.
especially with women.
especially with myself.
i hated my body.
i hated my weakness.
and the more fear i carried,
the more cruel i became.
yes—
i was cruel.
i hurt people.
i lashed out.
and i do not regret a single moment of my life—
except those.
the moments i tried to make someone else feel small,
so i could feel big.
the moments i became what hurt me.
my heart still breaks when i remember.
but i do know this:
the ones who hurt are the ones who are hurting the most.
and healing is not justice—
healing is kindness when it is hardest.
the monster you see?
he is just a child in too much pain.
but it is easier to hate than to hold.
so i am still learning.
still bleeding.
still trying.
and maybe that is the truth of us all:
we are not healed.
we are healing.
We are remembering.
somehow—
through time, grace, and the ferocity of my mother's love—
the illness began to fade.
but the fire it left behind
became my compass.
those years alone with games and fantasy
taught me how to find answers on my own.
how to type a question into a blank screen
and hope the truth would answer.
and one day, it did.
i must have been sixteen.
in pain.
lost.
and i searched:
"how do i stop being insecure?"
what a question.
what a beginning.
that search led me to alan watts.
and with him,
the first true remembering began.
not of a fact—
but of myself.
a few years later,
you might have met me through lasfotosdebenja.
then benjamin viulet.
and now,
maybe,
just maybe,
you are starting to meet me.
and this—
this is my yesterday.
not polished.
not proud.
but mine.
and sacred.
I love you,
Bv